Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
You know what they say, wheat fields are made for sowing.
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can't walk.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
I think you’re pretty Stella-r
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
What's your number?? Err I mean your name?
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
Snow on and snow forth.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Red wasn't feeling very well for the past few weeks. He has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
Your hand looks heavy. Here, let me hold it for you.
Why is the ocean always on time?
She likes to stay current.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
Deaf mute gets new hearing
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
If we raced, I would let you win, so I could get a good view from the back.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.