“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis

"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips

A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.

This dog is beautiful. I see he takes after his owner.

What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel

"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"

I’m a clover, not a fighter.

"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain

what does goblin's blood consist of?
A hemogoblin

Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.

Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!

Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.

Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.

Yo girl are you the 29th state added to America?
Because Iowanna be with anybody else

What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!

Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?

What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.

Are you an audiobook? Because I want to listen to you forever.

Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.

Baking on Easter Sunday
Crust is risen! Hallelujah!

Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!

When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!

"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer

The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.

What's the difference between Hummus and Humus?
"mmmm"

Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.

What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.

When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.

"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."

Can I borrow your library card? Cause I’m checking you out.

I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.

The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.

I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.

Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.

I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.

I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.

It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.

What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four

Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.

People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."

People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."

“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon

Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.

How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!

I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.

When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!