I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
I loaf you.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
Ah, I always knew all Alexanders were Great
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
All things must grass.
Ok, so if the Corona Virus isn't about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their AGE!
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.