Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
Some bunny loves you.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
Why does the earth appreciate the moon so much?
It keeps the oceans tidy.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
You looked better when I was drunk.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Are those Guess jeans? Because guess who wants to get into them.