Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
You're hotter than a data center!
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”—Joan Rivers
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.
When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
You spend so much time in my mind, I should charge you rent.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
Are you the 4th of July? 'Cause I'm feeling fireworks between us.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
You remind me of a diamond necklace because you sure sparkle and shine bright.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.