I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Oysters don’t share their pearls because they’re shellfish!
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.
I checked the meat thermometer, and you’re officially one hot bird.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
You are hot to the core, aren’t you?
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
In Ireland, I call the shots.
What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.