"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"

What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.

Here’s more proof that I’ve gone off the deep end.

I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog

Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde

Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.

Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?

Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.

What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.

Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.

You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.

What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!

Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.

“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown

What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."

A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him

Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!

I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.

“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino

Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.

People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.

What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?

A mist steak.

I’m concerned you just might be my poison, Ivy

I've been thinking of U periodically.

I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.

The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.

"You're a real good egg."

What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.

What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”

How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.

A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.

“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram

What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you

What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.

Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.

The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.

I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.

It started raining coins outside today.

I guess it’s just climate change.

What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.

There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.

A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking

I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"

"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"

"No it's because you're drinking my beer."

“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”

An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.

What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.

Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!

What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.