What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
You are my loop condition. I keep coming back to you.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
I think we'd make a cute pear.
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
I was supposed to solve for X. I am so glad that I found U instead.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
My blender is a bit forgetfull. It keep breaking the ice with me.
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"