What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.

If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.

What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.

What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.

Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.

“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown

I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!

How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees

How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).

Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.

Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.

What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”

Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!

When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."

I bet you’re Ethan better in person

After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.

Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.

You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.

Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)

Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.

What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.

The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.

What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.

What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.

Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse

What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!

We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.

Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?

Wow, we really matched? I guess we’re simply Seb-posed to be

Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.

"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."

- Steven Wright

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

I must have a neurodegenerative disease because I’ve forgotten your number, cutie.

Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.

Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.

What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.

I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.

Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.

What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.

"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."

My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.

What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis.

Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.

What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."

My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.

What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.