Donut even think about taking another donut!
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
“I find being a Pisces a bit of a rollercoaster sometimes! I can talk myself right in and right out of any decision, any subject, any time.”
— Mary English
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
Keep calm and carrot on.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
Keep calm and leprech-on.
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!