Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?
He was getting a head of himself
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!
Roses should learn what it means to be perfect from you.
A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
Ants in your plants.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry