Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
Thankfully, not too many thieves are interested in acting on stage. They'd surely steal the show.
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
I read dead people.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Snow thank you.
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
Why did the cloud stay at home? It was feeling under the weather.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
Are you a train? Because I want to be the light at the end of your tunnel.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
I think you might be a star because I can’t stop orbiting around you.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
We’re a perfect mash.
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.