Know what? I dig you, really!
Why did the cow go right up to the spaceship? To see the Mooooooooooon.
I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
Do you want to be my doubles partner...for life?
My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
I really hate straws.
They suck.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
I'm Havana dream about you.
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
You sweep me off my feet!
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Baby, you make all my binary search trees balance.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
The fungi turned down seconds at dinner because he never had mushroom.
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
Would you like to upsize your meal and get my number for free today?
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
No one can accuse this trip of being plane.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."