How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
Shave a single shingle thin.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
Let's hang out sometime. You bring your beaker and I'll bring my stirring rod.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met. Goodbye.
Can linesmen enter the Hall of Fame? Yes, because they decide who's HOFside.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
I work at an Ink company in Spain. Yesterday I held a Competition about our company’s history. But looks like no one wanted to be a part of the
Spanish Ink Quiz Session.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Are you a bike? Because I wanna ride you until I get tired.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
Why can't college professors take exams at a zoo? Because there are too many cheetahs.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
Snow thank you.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.