What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you’ve got my privates on high alert.
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
I'm using a bra for a face mask.
I like to keep abreast of corona security measures.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
You’re unbeleafable.
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
You look so sweet that you're giving me a cavity.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Are you spaghetti? I want to put sauce on you.
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!