I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Your pace or mine?
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
I'd love to see you s'more.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
Sorry for not saying 'Bless You', it already seems that you are.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
What happens when and ice cube gets angry?
It boils with anger, then lets off some steam.
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
Why do wookies love chocolate chip cookies? Because they are chewy.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
Seeing that you're new here, let me show you where the water fountain is...the next drink's on me.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.