Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!
Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly
(Jan Allison)
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
Is your nickname Mercury? Cause you look habitable.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
Sir William Howe... are you doing?
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
What are your plans tonight? I’ll be free if you’re feeling a little Leo-nly…
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
"Partners in wine."
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
Excuse me, may I have this mating dance?
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
“When it snows you have two choices. Shovel or snow angels.”
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"