What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
Are you the future? Because you're looking hopeless and bleak.
Dang, girl. You're a fielder's choice.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shook it and said:
"Not on my watch."
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
It’s so hot I saw a chicken lay an omelet.
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
Readers do it by the book.
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Italy!
Italy who?
Italy all over in the morning.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
Can I be your next varietal?
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
"You're a real good egg."
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.