How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
Vogue just called; they want to put you on the cover.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
Readers do it by the book.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
Deaf mute gets new hearing
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
I've only got three months to live.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
Who brings the monsters their babies?
Frankenstork.
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.