Good work, we’re raising your annual celery

Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!

What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!

What do you call bears with no ears?
B.

I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.

What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"

What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!

You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.

Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs

Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.

My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.

You're a good egg.

“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz

Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."

Because of my rights related to eminent domain, you have to compensate me for stealing my heart.

Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas

How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.

Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.

What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.

You are sweeter than 3.14.

Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!

Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.

You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.

What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.

Grate.

My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.

I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.

Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"

I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.

What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!

What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A Diplodocus with a sore throat!

What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus

Did you hear about the big company that made syrup from contaminated trees? They maple their syrup from the shelves.

what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter

"Granddad's Got Hair"

Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.

Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."

– Graham Craven

I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.

I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.

I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.

My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.

This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly

Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.

A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.

I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.

I’ve got my phone, and you have your phone number… imagine the possibilities.

What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!

Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!

Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.

What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.