Your good weed for the day.
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other
"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault