Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!
If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
Knock knock.
Come in.
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
I don't normally like girls who wear red coats. But, for you I'll make an exception.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?