What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
“I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” — Stephen Colber
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
You make me feel a lot giddier like I have eaten a box of chocolate.
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
Look for a rainbow connection.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
What is a good name for post-Thanksgiving constipation?
Turkey in suspense.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...
...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a cop asking me questions.
What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
Woman: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you before GLY
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.