I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!

Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.

Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.

The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”

A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.

You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.

I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.

Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.

What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”

It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.

Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)

“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw

What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.

You are un-beer-lievable!

There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.

Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.

Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?

Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.

Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.

The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.

Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.

What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.

Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.

What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus

A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.

I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”

Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.

When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lion
Lion who?
Lion on your doorstep, open up!

Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!

I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!

What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.

Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head

It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day

Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.

The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.

How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”

What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!

"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips

What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.

Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.

There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.

The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!