Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
What's a dragon's favorite snack?
Fire Crackers!
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.