In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
Wanna go out this weekend? Maybe go on a quick John-t around town?
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
I’m no Thomas Paine, but you and I are Common Sense.
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
Where do penguins keep their money?
In a snow bank!
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
Knock knock. Who's there? You're - You're who? - You're single!
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.