What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
I put the “man” in Manitoba.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid.
Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
What do poplars bring to war? They bring their infan-tree.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
I know we just met, but I Cairo lot about you.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
Why can’t a group of skeletons ever get anything done?
It’s a skeleton crew.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.