“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.
Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
I was so amazed by your beauty that I had to run to the wall over there. So, I need to get your number and name to claim my insurance.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
I’ve never seen a sleeker frame.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
What a great match!..I hope when you see my message you don’t give it Ah-big-ail no and leave me hanging
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
I think we'd make a cute pear.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?