My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
Which violation do ghosts get called for the most in basketball?
Ghoul tending.
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
What did the skeleton say to his girlfriend?
- Will you marrow me?
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
Belize me, baby, I will Peru'v my love for you at any Cost.
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
Are you an audiobook? Because I want to listen to you forever.
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel