Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
He’s an elf-made man.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
There's now a vaccine to make you better at geometry.
It's called Pythagorean Serum.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
What do dog scientists to with their bones?
They barium.
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
I think you might be a star because I can’t stop orbiting around you.
We should get coffee sometime, because I like you a latte.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor