How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
My moment in the sun.
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
Girl, you make my crotch rise from the dead
Why did the skeleton start the fight?
He had a bone to pick.
Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
The calm before the score
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his location in a girl’s destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."
- Herman Wouk
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."