Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.

What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.

I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.

“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers

I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.

There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.

I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.

What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.

My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.

What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.

What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas

I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.

I'm glad there's freedom of religion because I worship you.

If I had a nickel for every time my wife forgot to unplug her curling iron, I still wouldn't have a house.

It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.

I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.

I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.

Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"

What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.

The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.

What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”

“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown

Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.

We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?

I am a chemist. Want to get together and see the reaction?

What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.

If you had eleven roses and you looked in the morror; then you'd see twelve of the most beatiful things in the world.

When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.

Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.

What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.

Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.

Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.

What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!

"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous

The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"

Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup

What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.

Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.

A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!

I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.

Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.

A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.

I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.