Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
Once you finish deep breathing, do you want to start panting?
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
Call me on the shellphone.
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
I love analyzing texts, but you haven't sent me any.
I'll put a tear drop in the ocean. When you find it is when I'll stop loving you.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
Charlotte, would you char-let me rock your world?
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
I can’t decide how to finish this wooden sign telling my parrot that she’s become a member of the Scottish aristocracy
Polyurethane?
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
What kind of bread do elves use to make sandwiches?
Why shortbread of course!
The moon asked the sun: Buddy when you are so hot, why are you single yet?
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
Are you sure we haven’t had a class together before? I could have sworn that we had chemistry together.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
What do hydras fear the most?
Dehydration!
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
The only thing hotter than today is you.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
Why was the broom late? It over swept!