What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.