In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."
Don't even chai.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
Except the direction I'm walking in.
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.