What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
Excuse me, there has been a heartbreak incident and I need your number to solve it.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
I have a bone to pixie with you.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
How do you find a missing train? Follow the tracks
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
How do deer clean their feet?
Hoof paste.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
I think my window air conditioner needs an ambulance.
It keeps hyperventilating.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
"Sip happens."
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.