Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
Are you a burger? Because you can be the meat between my buns.
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
What is a gorillas second favourite fruit to eat behind bananas?=
Ape-ricots
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
Sorry I'm so quiet this evening. You simply took my breath away.
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
A policeman was busted for collecting bribes and hiding the money in his freezer....
When the authorities searched his freezer, they found nothing but cold hard cash
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
You raise the bar.
You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I have bean
thinking about you.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!