What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
Books are my kind of texts.
Baby you could even make the Cold War hot!
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
Heard the person who invented the urinals was very young.
He was a whiz kid.
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
We like to paddy.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Why has the prosthesis dealer become a private detective?
He has a nose for these things.
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.