What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
Kicking Baby Considered Healthy
Up to snow good.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.