What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!
(by Robert Z)
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
Why do all kids want to be an astronaut?
Because there is no pressure.
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
Baby, you’re hotter than Rome under Nero.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
Would you like to come to my quarters tonight for some toast?
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
In space, no one can hear us scream.
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.