Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
Did the Lord take the thunder from the skies, and put it in your thighs?
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?
Egos everywhere.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.