How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
Wow Adrian, is that a typo in your name? Because I swear you’re A-Dream.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
I was going to read Proverbs 31, but then I realized I could just study you instead.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.
He lived to the ripe old age of 96.
He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Roach.
Roach who?
Roach you a letter, did you get it?
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
Did you hear about the woman who complained about her rabbit stew? She said there was a hare in her soup.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
What was the puppy's costume for Halloween?
The Big Bad Woof.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
(On a rainy day) I figured out why the sky was grey today...all the blue is in your eyes.
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel