What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
It's ice to meet you.
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?
How did Sam win the talent show? Sam-sung.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
Are you a girl scout because you tie my heart in knots.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
What do the Scottish cars wear as hats?
Flat-caps.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
Of course I like long walks by the moonlight.
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
You set my heart bonfire.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.