What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?
My football teammate asked me, “On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”
I gave him a high five.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Deja brew all over again.
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
I hope to someday be your emergency contact...
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
Herb your enthusiasm.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!