I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?
“Hop on!”
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
Who needs luck? I have charm.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK".
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
Everybody romaine calm.
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
What’s a skeleton’s next favorite rock band?
Bone Jovi.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Airplane food is always so terrible, so I always pack my own food. Want one of these chocolate covered strawberries?
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.