Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.

"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.

Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?

I like you, you croc my world.

Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.

No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.

I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.

I heard they just opened up a new Lego store. Let's see if we can't build something together!

Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.

"The Legs Are Last To Go"

Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know

“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”

She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show

The legs are last to go

The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go

Her legs were last to go.


– Mike Gentile

If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table

It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.

How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped

"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."

“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien

Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.

Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!

Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine

You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell

I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat

(Jan Allison)

I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.

"Dust"

The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!

– P. A. Ropess

Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.

How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.

A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.

I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.

How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.

What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!

Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.

Irish you luck.

Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.

I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.

What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”

I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.

Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?

What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.

“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams

What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.

When indoor toilets were introduced in Britain, it was considered to be a revo-loo-tionary move.

Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.

My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.

“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse

here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.

“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx

Why don’t koalas like fast food? Because it’s too hard for them to catch.

My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"

There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.

I'd drink your bathwater.