“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
What kind of music do elves listen to?
Wrap music.
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
Can I slip one past your goalie?
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
Can I Alp you?
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
Call me Pooh. Because all I want is you, honey!
Girl, If you were a fruit you'd be a can't-elope.
I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.