"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
"I am not an early bird or night owl; I’m some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon."
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
Are you the splash-and-dash? Because you've got my heart beating.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
What music are balloons scared of? Pop music
I’d be Ryan if I said you weren’t cute
What do you call it when a Crocodile becomes an Elvis Impersonator?
Crocabilly
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
My favorite element on the periodic table is Uranium, because I am in love with U.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Because it looks like you landed on your face.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny