"I whip my hare back and forth."
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
I do find that flamingos don’t plan very well for the future… They’re too prone to putting all their eggs in the one basket.
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
Do you have any tape? Because I'm totally ripped.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
If looks could kill you, you’d surely be a weapon of mass destruction.
Did they over chlorinate the pool today or is it you making my head spin?
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.