You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
Can I check the tag on your clothes?
Why, because I'm made in heaven?
No, because your sweating profusely through your armpits and I want to avoid purchasing this fabric in the future.
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain