Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.

"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."

I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.

After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"

My mother loves butter more than I do,

more than anyone. She pulls chunks off

the stick and eats it plain, explaining

cream spun around into butter!

- Elizabeth Alexander

The lager you wait, the better it tastes.

I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.

What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.

The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.

What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.

"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."

Frankenstein entered a body-building competition…
And soon found he had seriously misunderstood the objective.

I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.

What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason

What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!

John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.

What do volleyball players like in bed? Kinky sets.

I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.

You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.

There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.

Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.

What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.

Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.

Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!

My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.

Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?

Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!

What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?

He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.

Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!

"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark

The Christmas alphabet has noel.

How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.

You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…

Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.

How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!

“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter

Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.

I’ll open your heart like Nixon opened the door to China in ’72.

What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.

After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.

What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.

I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.

What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.