There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Werewolves keep their spare things in a were-house.
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
Bee warned.
Bee puns really sting.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I run by again?
Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”
Hey, you're pretty and I'm cute. Together we'd be pretty cute
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
"You make me egg-static."
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
What do you call a pig thats wrong? Mistaken bacon.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
Ham and Eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
Were you born in a farm? You look a-maize-ing.
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.