Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?

Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.

I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.

Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.

Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.

Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.

Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.

"Don’t Be Silly"

Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.

– Dave Moran

I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure

Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.

What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator

"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."

“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi

When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.

"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr

I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.

I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.

What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert

Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.

What do Mexicans wear on their heads in the pool?
Swimbreros.

Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny

What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement

My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.

When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"

There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.

Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.

This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.

Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!

I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.

What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.

Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.

Nurse: Fine. Suture self.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.

What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.

What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.

Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.

“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw

"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"

What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!

There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.

Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.

You are in my heart, my mind, and in my entire body.
In fact, my doctor says that you must be a parasite!

What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."

I'm usually not very prophetic.
But I can see us together.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.

Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!

How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.

So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"

Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.