“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
I yam what I yam.
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
I’d check your blood sugar, but you’re sweet enough.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common?
Both are serious sluggers.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.