Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
"Alcohol you later."
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
If you were a vegetable, you'd be a CUTE-cumber.
I'm doing yoga tonight but I rather be doing you.
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
Nice asteroids.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.