I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
Did you get those pants on sale? (Why?) Because at my house they would be 100% off!
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!
Do you have a name you want me to save you as on my phone or should I just put 'mine'?
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
Can’t pinch this.
What do rodents say when they play bingo? 'Eyes down for a full mouse'!