How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
“Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.”
― Unknown
The only difference between a band teacher and a banned teacher
is what they were bangin
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
I have a hiking playlist with songs from the Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.