What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Seed between the lines.
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
If four plus four equals eight, then me plus you equals fate.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
Give me some pigskin
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?
Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.
(Ray Gridley)
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
You look good on your yoga mat.
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.