What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
You're such a TEAse.
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
You are my raisin to smile.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
Hey, was your daddy a barista because you are ALMOST what I ordered.
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
I love you from my head tomato
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.