I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
Winter is un-brr-lieveable!
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
Broken pencils are pointless.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
What must the Oregon football team do before each play?
Get all of their ducks in a row.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
Curling? More like curling up next to you in bed, am I right?
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
Are you made of apples? Cause you sure look sweet as pie.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
Can i give you a kiss? If you don’t like it, you can return it.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
Time to celery-brate.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
I loaf you.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
If my love were music, you'd be the most beaituful lyrics in the songbook