If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
I'm glad there's freedom of religion because I worship you.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
It’s so cold we didn’t clean the house, we just defrosted it.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.
For that special cashier:
Since you're checking me out why don't we go to the movies?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
Please excuse my resting beach face.
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
My decision to become a Hindu was a missed steak
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.
Here's to a big opening weekend.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
The guy missed both his serves on match point. I won by de-fault.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
We should train together, I've heard it's good for bone density.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
How excited was the gardener about spring?
So excited he wet his plants.
I love you so fairy much.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
What kind of magazines would the planets prefer to read? Cosmos.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.