"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
What do you call a rainbow you ride your horse on?
A rein-bow.
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
Where do vampire bats go to take out a loan?
To the blood bank.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus
"I Can Rise And Shine"
I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss