What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.
I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me
She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.
Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.
It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.
But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.
She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.
I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.
(Andrew Jefferson)
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
This is too cliché, dear, but this is what I really feel, I love you to the moon and back.Copy0
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
Why did Princess Leia contract coronavirus?
Because she went to woo Han.
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
You are un-beer-lievable!
Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
Wow, you drive me Davi
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
"Sip happens."
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous