What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!

"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"

Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.

You’re so beautiful even the leaves fall for you.

You can stand under my umbrella.

A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.

Winston Churchill

What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.

“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry

How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.

What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.

"Don’t Be Silly"

Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.

– Dave Moran

I don’t believe in boats
I have yacht to see one.

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.

What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."

Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.

Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.

Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.

Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.

What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.

What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.

What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.

My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.

How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.

Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.

I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...

Wanna go back to my igloo and cuddle?

How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.

“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”

- Jimmy Fallon.

The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.

What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication

Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.

A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"

What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.

“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia

What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!

Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.

What is the difference between a wet day and a lion with a toothache? A wet day is pouring with rain, the other is roaring with pain.

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

You're like the neighbors' WiFi. Everyone wants to use you.

“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck

What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!

Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.

Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?

Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!

I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.

Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.

"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller