What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
I don't want to be alone. Help me make it through the night.
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Angel, I want to run all the way with you.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
You set my heart bonfire.
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.
My friend told me all about his friend's girlfriend who was playing saxophone.
Apparently she was a saxy lady.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
"Have a hoppy Easter."
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
I can’t tell if that was an earthquake or if you just seriously rocked my world.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.