"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
One night I looked up at the stars and thought, ‘Wow, how beautiful.’ But now that I’m looking at you, nothing else can compare.
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
Breaking a leg during an audition ensures you're in the cast.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
Snow thank you.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
A friend went in to his garden, dug a hole in the grass and filled it with water. I think he meant well.
A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.
I thought of a new joke that started in a corn field.
But I'm not going to post it bc it's too corny.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
Summer is just floating by.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
If your heart was a prison, I would want to be sentenced to life.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
In the dark ages, the knights had to attend a special type of school. It was the Knight School.
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
Girl, you must be norepinephrine because you make my heart race.