I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
What were the ponies most excited for in the meal?
The main horse.
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
What is Tesla's favorite gun?
A musket
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
I know my shot was in. But I won’t argue, because I’m not up for the challenge.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
Baby, you make all my binary search trees balance.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
You can stand under my umbrella.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
What do baby ghosts wear on Halloween? Pillowcases.
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.