Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
What do you call unwanted revealing comments about a movie?
Spoilers.
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
Man: I've lost my phone number can I have yours?
Woman: Sure, my number is 911-8473 (works better if you write it down)
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
I was going to joke about my broken pencil, but it was pointless.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
They say Disney World is the happiest place on earth, obviously, they haven't been in your arms.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
You don't need to waste your time on that treadmill, you've been running through my mind all day.
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
Hold on for deer life.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
This match sure has me feeling Victori-ous
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.