“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
Lots of people have a rug.
Very few have a Pug.
(E.B White)
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
That boy narrated his-story really well.
It was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
Colors laugh by saying, "Hue Hue Hue."
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
I Wanna Be Your Man
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little love right now.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don't eat with your mouth full!
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns