Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman.
I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.