Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
Your fragrance lights up my life.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
Were you born on the Bluenose? Because baby, you're a dime.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger!
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That irascible Person of Bangor.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
This is snow laughing matter!
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
I'm like Rachmaninov...king of the romantic
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"