I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you'd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.
I always feel like a winner in France, which is great because I hate Toulouse.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
All punts are highly intended
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Hey girl, I’m not just going to show you the world, I’ll show you the universe.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.