Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.

Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.

Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!

Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.

I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.

Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."

What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!

Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.

What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.

What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!

If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.

Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!

What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.

I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.

Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.

I wouldn't trust medieval executioners in today's world.
They are prepared to kill people, simply to get a head.

“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley

Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!

What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.

Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.

Are you in the on deck circle? Çause you're up next.

You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.

If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.

It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.

Why was the cow always exercising? To build up its moo-scles

Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.

What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.

Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.

Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.

How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.

I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.

Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.

"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4

You’re my soul Santa.

The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!

I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.

How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.

What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.

A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.

It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.

Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.

Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).

The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.

I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"

What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?
Whizdom

Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.

How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.