What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
He threw three free throws.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
What did the bat say to the friend who itched and squirmined?
Come back when you have washed out the virmin.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
I'm using the wishbone to manifest a date with you.
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
The only good pun is a dad pun
but who am I kidding?
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
Aloha is a soft laugh.
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
Were you born in a farm? You look a-maize-ing.
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
My Cobra pose isn't the only thing that's rising upward.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.