What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
I really like you. So does my wife.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
Wow Adrian, is that a typo in your name? Because I swear you’re A-Dream.
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
I'll make love to you if you want me to.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner