Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."
Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
Girl, you must be a Beatles song, because look at this Long, Long, Long Norwgian Wood.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
I wanna live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
I’ll never leaf you.
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor?
It was feeling green
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”