What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”

I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.

Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries

I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.

“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”

- Charlotte Gray.

The pineapple is pining for the summer.

You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!

I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.

I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.

However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.

(Sarah Allen)

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Damn.

Let me kiss you.

(Unknown)

The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.

What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!

An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.

You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.

I'd hate to be the bearer of bad blues.

The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.

“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale

Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.

"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown

There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.

Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.

What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)

My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!

Why d‌‌oes N‌‌orth K‌‌orea e‌‌xcel a‌‌t d‌‌rawing s‌‌traight l‌‌ines?
Because t‌‌hey h‌‌ave a‌‌ s‌‌upreme r‌‌uler.

This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.

My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”

He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”

“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English

Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.

“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds

Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.

Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato

Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.

Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.

“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.

Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”

Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!

I can feel something brewing between the two of us.

Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.

Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.

I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.

Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.

I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.

I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.

I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.

If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.

How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.