"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
Are you an audiobook? Because I want to listen to you forever.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
Do you have any raisins?
No? How about a date?
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing!
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.