Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.
What do you call a magician on a plane? A flying sorcerer!
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
Did you hear about the croc calling the frog? He just croc-o-dialled.
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
What was the seal's favorite subject in school?
ART ART ART!
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
You are sweeter than 3.14.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
It’s so cold travel agencies are advertising tropical holidays to Alaska.
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
Did Roman architecture emphasize forum over function?
Girl, you’re truly one in Amelia
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.