Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
You're the only sight I want to see today.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
What do a tree and a bog dog have in common?
They both have a lot of bark.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
I smelled you down the street, and my nose brought me right to you.
How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!
Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
Hello... I've been admiring your bacterial signature.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
I’ve got my phone, and you have your phone number… imagine the possibilities.
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
I guess you could say that things hit by tornado's are blown up.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!