What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”

I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb

If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.

A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"

Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.

Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..

What does a spy do in the rain?

He goes undercover.

What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.

Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.

Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.

These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.

How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.

Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!

“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham

The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.

He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.

I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'

I was going to read Proverbs 31, but then I realized I could just study you instead.

What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.

“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West

What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”

I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.

All the turtles wore turtle necks to the party.

There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.

Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.

Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.

"Grandparent Rap"

It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."

So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!

Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.

Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.

What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”

How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.

Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.

Where do baseball players wash up?
In the bat tub.

What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.

Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
---
"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton

What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.

What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.

What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.

I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.

Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.

Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I run by again?

I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.

"Just don't carrot all."

My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.

I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.