I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
You've stolen a pizza my heart.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams!
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
Your good seed for the day.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur