How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
“I meditate and do yoga. I sit cross-legged and try not to levitate too much.” – Jeremy Brett
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
What was the nickname for the knight who ruled the fort?
"Fortnite"
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
My girlfriend wants to open a yoga studio, even though she currently cannot afford it.
I told her it's a bit of a stretch.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
My love for you simply radiates.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack