What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
“Working from home.”
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers