Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!

If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?

"Adulting makes me wine."

What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.

Don’t moss around.

“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark

"I'm eggs-hausted."

Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!

“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”

- Cary Grant.

Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.

"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."

"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous

What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles

What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!

Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.

“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates

What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.

"If you want to pass this point alive, you must answer my riddle: What goes on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and on three legs in the evening?" the Sphinx asked.
Oedipus pondered for a moment, "Probably one of those new Pokemones," he finally replied. "There is like 600 of them.
"Fair enough man," spoke the Sphinx. "I can't reasonably expect you to remember all their names. You may pass."

Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield

I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."

What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.

I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.

I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.

What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman

What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.

“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce

What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.

“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”

Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.

It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous

Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'

Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts

If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"

“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
An extraterrestrial.
An extraterrestrial who?
Wait, how many extraterrestrials do you know?

I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking out of this relationship.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!

You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.

Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

They say everything gets better with age.

Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.

What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.