Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
Shell yeah.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
Are you a corn farmer? Because I'm stalking you
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Is that a magic wand in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
Boy: Want to hear a joke?
Girlfriend: Sure.
Boy: Our relationship.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
Would you like to come over for tea and crumpets?
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.