Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
Did you hear about the computer virus that was programmed by a cat?
It's considered meowware!
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
Don’t ever trust a leper-con!
Do you have raisins? How about a date?
“When an 85-pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.”—Kristan Higgins
Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Are you doing Ananda Balasana, or are you just happy to see me, baby?
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”
- Colette.
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
Why was the museum curator so good at judging paintings and sculptures? He was talented at art official intelligence.
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.
You are my density!
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.