We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
Girls just wanna have sun.
I bet you’re really flexible.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
Is your name Sunshine? Because you are “In my soul today”.
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard.
I just picked it up as I went along.
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
They found a plant that cures COVID-19!
It’s called plant yourself on the couch.
Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
So tell me Ian, what’s the most Ian-teresting thing about you?
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
Sorry, I'm octopied.
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.