Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.

My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.

When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"

What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!

I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.

My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.

Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz

Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?

What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.

Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".

My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."

What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.

If you and I were flowers, we’d have a budding romance.

Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.

"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain

“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter

I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll

You set my heart bonfire.

Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!

What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.

One more thyme.

What is a ghost's favorite place to work?
Ghoul-gle.

What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.

Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.

"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie

I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.

What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.

It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.

“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown

I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.

If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.

Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.

Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.

What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups

What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.

To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.

“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”

- David Frost.

Knock Knock?

Who's there?

Hurricane

Hurricane who?

Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?

Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.

What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!

What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.

When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.