If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
I do not want your candy, what I want is your number.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
Q. How do you make a sasquatch, a yeti, or a bigfoot laugh?
A. Tell it a gorilla joke!
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?