You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.

Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.

What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.

How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.

“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”

- Grant Tucker.

What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.

What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?

Groovy.

One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.

The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.

“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4

What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.

How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.

Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!

“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper

Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.

What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?

Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.

"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson

"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
I really messed up
Now what can I do?

The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.

Flute players provide some cheap trills.

What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!

I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.

What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?

Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!

I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."

Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.

My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.

What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco

What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.

I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.

Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy

What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.

Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.

Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.

The ocean made me salty.

What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.

Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!

It’s raining cats and dogs outside.

I think I just stepped in a poodle.

There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!

There was a Young Person of Crete,
Whose toilette was far from complete;
She dressed in a sack,
Spickle-speckled with black,
That ombliferous person of Crete.

Honestly, I really lilac you.