I could never Passover you.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
Your fur is red, so beautiful, like an angel in disguise.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
He threw three free throws.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
How about we drop the gloves and go at it?
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
There's nothing humble about my warrior.
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
Oh my beloved belly button.
The squidgy ring in my midriff mutton.
Your mystery is such tricky stuff:
Why are you so full of fluff?
(Richard Leavesley)
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!