There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” -Jackie Mason
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
This foundation is rock salad.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
I’ll open your heart like Nixon opened the door to China in ’72.
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
Hey Baby, wanna find out why they call me Pumpkin-Head?
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
What do you call a fashionable, but judgmental monster who howls at the moon?
A What Not To Wear-Wolf.
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
Green glass globes glow greenly.
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.