Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!

Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.

What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.

Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."

Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.

Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.

Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!

What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.

If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?

“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”

- Jarod Kintz

You’re as sweet as Pi.

“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman

My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.

I’m optimistic!

What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.

Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.

Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.

I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"

What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,

My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!

Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.

“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!

How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.

The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.

Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.

What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!

Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.

“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”

- Martin Mull.

What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.

My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.

How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.

How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!

What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.

I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...

This is snow laughing matter!

What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman

Tonight's forecast: 100% chance of love.

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin

What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!