What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
You must be a banana because I find you very a-peeling.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!