What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Your earrings are the mirrors that reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
I think I found my perfect match
Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can you do the same?
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
Call me on the shellphone.
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.