Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
Your smile is brighter than the fireworks on the 4th of July.
Irish food is legen-dairy.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
Why was the math lecture so long?
The professor kept going off on a tangent.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
Do you squat here often?
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
How many eyes does a spider have? Doesn't matter, cause all of them are on you.
Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
"The Attraction of Levitation"
“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;
“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.
“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;
“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.
“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”
– H. G. Paine
This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous