Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
Fresh French fried fly fritters
"It's not because I don't like you, it's because I hate you."
Where do werewolves store their things?
In a were-house.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
A physics teacher writes a question on a board:
"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"
A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:
"In a foster home."
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
I have only two weaknesses resisting chocolate and resisting you.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
What time do werewolf Cowboys have a shootout?
High Moon!
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
Did you hear about the rabbit who refused to leave her house? She was having a bad hare day.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
"Happy eggster."
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
Have you ever worked in a hotel?
Then why are you checking me out?
What do you call a buffet for sheep?
All you can bleat!
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
Twinkle twinkle little star.
You should know just what you are.
Once you know just what you are,
the mental hospital isn't that far
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
I think you’re pretty Stella-r
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
My moment in the sun.
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.