What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
He had a bone to pick.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.
You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
A black bloke's back brake-block broke.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.
Did you hear about the geologist who went to jail?
He was charged with basalt and battery.
Wondering about a peach's favorite sci-fi novel? It's 'When You Peach Me'.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
My wife accused me of being a transvestite.
So I packed her things and left.
My moment in the sun.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.