What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
What did the patient say after that gave blood?
I feel drained.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
Are you lonesome tonight? I can't help falling in love with you.
Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.
But when he rounded them up, he had 300.
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.