Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to phone heaven and tell God I found the missing angel!
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Before training its killer dolphins, Iran had to convert them to fishlam.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
Wear green, or leaf.
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
What’s your go to order at a bar? Mine is A Big Ale
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
Yule be sorry.
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
How about drinking some alcohol to catalyze your love reaction a bit more?
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.