Why are trees a popular Christmas decoration? They look good in boughs.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
Just like Evan, this match is also the cure
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.
You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
Look like we've got a long wait here in the check-out line, so why don't we get acquainted.
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
My feelings of love for you are like the stars in the sky. They're probably long dead.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
Why don't crabs give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.
You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I run by again?
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
You're the cutest jailbird I ever did see, I sure would be delighted with your company.
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!