What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
Your fur is red, so beautiful, like an angel in disguise.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
When God made you, he was just showing off.
I like books, you like books, why don't we start writing the story of us?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
Are you a mountain climber? ‘Cause you really peaked my interest.
An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
"You're the wine that I want."
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
You're the thought that counts!
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
Babe, you are like my right temporoparietal areas: I’d be lost without you.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.