Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
I love analyzing texts, but you haven't sent me any.
Why do fish not like computers?
Because they are worried about getting caught in the Inter-net.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
Do you like science because I've got my ion you.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.