My doctor told me I have a Vitamin D deficiency. Wanna go back to my place and save me?
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
Tis the sea-sun.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
I want you more than I want world peace.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
I didn't think the doctor would fix the curve in my spine
But now I stand corrected.
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
What's a frog's favorite candy?
Lollihops.
What do you call a werewolf that can’t decide what to wear?
A what-to-wear-wolf.
I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
What do cows like to eat for lunch?
Moo-shroom soup
I goat this.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
Why don’t cars enjoy long drives?
They find them a drag.