What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
Which Star Wars movie is a baseball player's least favorite?
The Umpire Strikes Back.
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?
They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
I know your name is Savan-nah, but if I asked you out to drinks, could that be a Savan-yeah?
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Baby, I'm a dependent clause, and all I need is you.
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got 3 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in your basket. Marry me?
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
Want to be workout buddies?
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.