How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
I Got to Get You Into My Life
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.
The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.
The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.
The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!
Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!
(Joanna Fuchs)
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table? She was hogging the food.
You’re brew-tiful!
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
Have you checked in yet? Because I've been check-in you out all day.
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming