I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings

Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.

I heard you like math, so what’s the sum of U+Me?

Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!

Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?

What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.

It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.

How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.

Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.

My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.

How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.

Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.

Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?

In ancient Egypt if you held a stinging insect you were thought to be very attractive
Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder

"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"

He came, he thawed, he conquered.

What would a winged horse play in a band?
The pegabass guitar.

“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat

Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.

What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.

Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute

Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.

Why did the vegan get fired ?
His job performance did not meat expectations.

Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.

What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”

I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.

What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!

"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown

Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.

What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns

Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.

Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.

What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!

"Another glass? Wine not?!"

What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.

What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!

I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.

What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop

I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.

What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"

What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.

I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.

On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”

I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.

People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.