What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
Ants in your plants.
Girl, we must be a bipartite graph, because I just thought of an efficient algorithm for finding an optimal matching for the two of us.
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Even Santa doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
Why did God create man before woman? He didn't want any advice.
Are you the end of the pool? Because baby, I’d do anything to reach you.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
Since all the hot ones are already taken, this is going to be your lucky night!
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
I’d be Madeline if I didn’t say I was dying to get to know you
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
I'd start a revolution for your number.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
I'd love to see you s'more.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.