I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)
Curling? More like curling up next to you in bed, am I right?
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
My love for you is like a Trojan Horse, it’ll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
Are you dressed up as a tree? Cause you’re giving me wood.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.