Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.
Are you sugar? Because I want you in everything I have.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
What is a grammar vampire's least favourite drink?
Type-O.
I taught a dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.
We went from Barking to Tooting in 20 minutes!
"Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you"
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.